During the expedition to the Void for All-Sight. I believe I was her first kill. It didn't stick, by the way. I died a couple times out there.
[Hold on. She should explain.]
Okay so, you remember how the closer we got to the Void, the nastier and more violent everyone's urges and impulses were getting? I was acutely aware of that and offered myself as a willing target to have those urges vented and expressed. Since I can't really die.
She got really angry at me over that, came to yell at me, got aggressive, and I kind of baited her into it. She needed the release... and I needed her to take it out on me.
[Didn't help. She still ended up killing Aleksander.]
[ Though the aftermath of that expedition had been difficult enough to weather. It was not unbelievable that Alina's attention had simply been fixed on the more immediate developments. ]
But I didn't know to ask her. I wasn't myself once I drew near to the Void either.
I'm not surprised. There are things that are private between me and her, just as I expect there are between you and her.
[Like Alina's ability to use Kirigan's shadows via the amplifier abd hallucinating him. Eventually Alina would slip up and he'd know, but he wouldn't hear about it from Ianthe.]
Don't make a big deal about it. We both needed it and once I revived we connected in a way I didn't think she'd ever give me.
[That was when Ianthe fell in love with Alina: in that space between being killed and being kissed when Alina's ambition was laid bare to her.]
[ sincerely. it's not easy territory to navigate. he knows that.
also why he considers, and refrains from, asking after how things are between them now. ]
I know you may end up having to kill me, should things go wrong when we get a moment to experiment with my scar. But should you like to, we might choose a month-end for us to do some observations of my death.
I don't think she'd forgive me for killing you for my own necromantic interests. And you even less. I revive of my own accord and she hates how cavalier I am with my own death.
... enough that I'm trying to not embrace it as much. At least not unnecessarily. And you aren't a lyctor.
[It would be a lie to say Ianthe wasn't interested. She very much was, but she wasn't sure if it was worth the cost, especially when she could find another victim easily. Though consuming the thanergy bloom of Nikolai's death was incredibly tempting in itself.]
...as long as you make it clear you offered and I didn't ask. We can table it for the time being.
Your mark, though, it feels like Kirigan's bones did.
I've been in and out of the Fold a thousand times. [ is an irresistible, longing dip towards an easier point in time before Nikolai corrects: ] This isn't from a volcra.
[ Though describing the creature itself— ]
It's something else, of Kirigan's own creation. Merzost. He's capable of summoning them here. He gave one to Alina to track me last month.
There's things I've been keeping from him, [ and from Alina, by necessity. ] Those things were one of them, but it seems he's discovered them here as well.
Fair enough. Talk me through the attack, what you were wearing at the time, how it felt at the time of injury, and if your body has done any healing of it since then.
This is just background to let my brain turn over.
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It was far easier getting her to kill me, but I can't take full credit for it. She was especially reactive to the Void back then.
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When was this?
cw: reference to murder and self-harm
[Hold on. She should explain.]
Okay so, you remember how the closer we got to the Void, the nastier and more violent everyone's urges and impulses were getting? I was acutely aware of that and offered myself as a willing target to have those urges vented and expressed. Since I can't really die.
She got really angry at me over that, came to yell at me, got aggressive, and I kind of baited her into it. She needed the release... and I needed her to take it out on me.
[Didn't help. She still ended up killing Aleksander.]
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[ Though the aftermath of that expedition had been difficult enough to weather. It was not unbelievable that Alina's attention had simply been fixed on the more immediate developments. ]
But I didn't know to ask her. I wasn't myself once I drew near to the Void either.
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[Like Alina's ability to use Kirigan's shadows via the amplifier abd hallucinating him. Eventually Alina would slip up and he'd know, but he wouldn't hear about it from Ianthe.]
Don't make a big deal about it. We both needed it and once I revived we connected in a way I didn't think she'd ever give me.
[That was when Ianthe fell in love with Alina: in that space between being killed and being kissed when Alina's ambition was laid bare to her.]
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[ sincerely. it's not easy territory to navigate. he knows that.
also why he considers, and refrains from, asking after how things are between them now. ]
I know you may end up having to kill me, should things go wrong when we get a moment to experiment with my scar. But should you like to, we might choose a month-end for us to do some observations of my death.
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... enough that I'm trying to not embrace it as much. At least not unnecessarily. And you aren't a lyctor.
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[ more or less ]
I know she'd dislike it. But if you've interest, I'll speak to her. I'd have to broach the topic before we tried anything with the mark regardless.
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...as long as you make it clear you offered and I didn't ask. We can table it for the time being.
Your mark, though, it feels like Kirigan's bones did.
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Challenging. ]
It should, I'd think. One of his creatures gave it to me.
[ But also: ]
Please don't speak of it to Alina yet. Or anyone else, for that matter.
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... fuck it was depressing to find herself in the same kind of relationship again as the perpetual third wheel neither wants but both need.]
That's from a volcra? What were you doing in the Fold?
And I won't, but she's not an idiot. [Just very dumb at times.] She's going to feel it too, if she ever pays attention.
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[ Though describing the creature itself— ]
It's something else, of Kirigan's own creation. Merzost. He's capable of summoning them here. He gave one to Alina to track me last month.
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I was not searching with her. I didn't know she had such a being with her.
Did it attack you when it found you?
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[ Some shade of bitterness, resentfulness. ]
There's things I've been keeping from him, [ and from Alina, by necessity. ] Those things were one of them, but it seems he's discovered them here as well.
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Like calls to like. That's a Grisha principle.
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This is just background to let my brain turn over.
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I know you need the information. But we could we wait to speak on it, until we're closer to a point when we might act on whatever theories come of it?
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[So irritating.]
But fine. It's your body.
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I won't keep you waiting long, then. Just long enough to order my thoughts.
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