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[rezni]

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Nikolai Lantsov, 24

DIABEL

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[princess_of_ida]

It's so ethereal... that look in her eyes, when she finally knows - really knows - that your life is in her hand and she takes it.

[But that was Ianthe being distracted from her quest for information. For revelation.]

Um, hmm, was it abrupt or did you fade when death took you?

why did i randomly add html to that comment mea culpa

[rezni]

[ A beat. Considering more what Ianthe is saying than the question she put to him. Doesn't ask his own, not yet. ]

It's hard to say exactly which. It took a long time, it felt like, but the end happened faster than I could anticipate. I had a hard time keeping track of exactly how long it took, and I haven't asked if anyone noted it.

[ "anyone" ]

[princess_of_ida]

[Ianthe wasn't going to ask Alina. Probably.]

When you think back on it, do you have any sense of existence deep in your soul from the moment of apopneumatic shock and Resurrection?

[rezni]

Do you mean was I aware of anything between that moment and the castle?

[princess_of_ida]

Yes. Anything at all. Don't think about it - feel it.

[rezni]

[ The pause stretches longer this time. Quiet but not absent, only the texture of Nikolai's contemplation filling the space. Resolving, eventually, into: ]

Thinking of it now, it feels like an absence. I'm aware of it as something missing from me, not exactly as something I felt as it happened.

[princess_of_ida]

Did it feel like it was taken from you or just something reached for that's not there?

[rezni]

Like reaching for something that isn't there. It's not unlike putting your hand into your pocket for a coin and realizing that there's a hole in the lining and you've lost the coin.

[princess_of_ida]

Hmm. Interesting.

[Nikolai could almost hear Ianthe taking notes. She still wasn't getting what she wanted, but she was closer than she had been before. It was possible she'd never felt that piece of the puzzle.]

Thank you.

[rezni]

Will you tell me what you're seeking, Ianthe?

[princess_of_ida]

The full experience of liminal space. The place between death and what's beyond, where the things are that eat us.

I know it outside of here, know the River, but not here where the River can't be reached and yet Resurrection so occurs. I want to be prepared.

[rezni]

Next time I die, I'll try to keep better track of it for you.

[princess_of_ida]

I would rather you not die again.

[Unless it was by her hand, but that wasn't something worth voicing.]

[rezni]

That's also my preference, but if it comes to pass, we may as well make use of it.

[princess_of_ida]

I sincerely doubt you'll remember to pay attention to the separation of your soul in the moment.

How long did it take you to convince her to do it?

[rezni]

Most of the festival. It was a long negotiation.

[princess_of_ida]

That's not surprising. What did you give up in exchange?

[rezni]

When she settles on a demand, I'll let you know.

[princess_of_ida]

Good luck with that. I hope it was worth whatever cost you're going to have to pay.

It was far easier getting her to kill me, but I can't take full credit for it. She was especially reactive to the Void back then.

[rezni]

[ wait a second— ]

When was this?

cw: reference to murder and self-harm

[princess_of_ida]

During the expedition to the Void for All-Sight. I believe I was her first kill. It didn't stick, by the way. I died a couple times out there.

[Hold on. She should explain.]

Okay so, you remember how the closer we got to the Void, the nastier and more violent everyone's urges and impulses were getting? I was acutely aware of that and offered myself as a willing target to have those urges vented and expressed. Since I can't really die.

She got really angry at me over that, came to yell at me, got aggressive, and I kind of baited her into it. She needed the release... and I needed her to take it out on me.

[Didn't help. She still ended up killing Aleksander.]

[rezni]

She hadn't told me any of this.

[ Though the aftermath of that expedition had been difficult enough to weather. It was not unbelievable that Alina's attention had simply been fixed on the more immediate developments. ]

But I didn't know to ask her. I wasn't myself once I drew near to the Void either.

[princess_of_ida]

I'm not surprised. There are things that are private between me and her, just as I expect there are between you and her.

[Like Alina's ability to use Kirigan's shadows via the amplifier abd hallucinating him. Eventually Alina would slip up and he'd know, but he wouldn't hear about it from Ianthe.]

Don't make a big deal about it. We both needed it and once I revived we connected in a way I didn't think she'd ever give me.

[That was when Ianthe fell in love with Alina: in that space between being killed and being kissed when Alina's ambition was laid bare to her.]

[rezni]

Thank you for telling me.

[ sincerely. it's not easy territory to navigate. he knows that.

also why he considers, and refrains from, asking after how things are between them now. ]

I know you may end up having to kill me, should things go wrong when we get a moment to experiment with my scar. But should you like to, we might choose a month-end for us to do some observations of my death.

[princess_of_ida]

I don't think she'd forgive me for killing you for my own necromantic interests. And you even less. I revive of my own accord and she hates how cavalier I am with my own death.

... enough that I'm trying to not embrace it as much. At least not unnecessarily. And you aren't a lyctor.