Alright. I meant what I said about not wanting it to be a big deal. Not now anyway. And maybe not here.
[ no one here cares who or what she is. every time she's had eyes on her here, it's felt heavy with scrutiny and negative judgment. not the way people admired her at the winter fete.
but she's brainstorming, now. ]
But it would be nice to feel special. That sounds so stupid to say.
It's so strange because when I think about it, it's not like a dream, it's like a memory. Like it really happened, even though it was somebody else's life.
I keep thinking about it lately.
Maybe it's just because that was where I met Jem, and it's her birthday.
Or maybe it's because I've been pulled in so many different directions, and so much has gone wrong, and everything I try to do feels like it's just making things worse. And that was the one time it felt like I got it right. Like it could all work out and nothing had to be difficult.
It's hard not to feel like I missed my chance for that, in this life.
Anyway. I remember we were hosting this party at the grand palace. And I remember feeling like everyone who was there was glad to see me, and wanted to see me. And because everything was alright, and Ravka was at peace, they didn't want anything from me except to just be near me.
We danced, you and I.
Aleksander and I did, too.
The two of you had been conspiring about what people would think if we did, so I didn't even have to worry about it. Because the two of you had already decided that it was nothing to worry about.
And when I was tired of all the noise and the people, I remember going into the war room. Jem brought me cake. It was quiet and I knew the only people I'd have to talk to were the people who didn't need me to be the queen or the sun summoner or any of that. Just Alina. And I knew that, after, I'd go to bed with people that loved me for being just Alina too.
That was nice.
[ the memory itself is discordant, in reality. she remembers this, yes. but she also remembers a version where she was dancing with aleksander, where she kissed him, and the shadows clawed their way in. closing ranks to suffocate them, to slice through the party guests. to swallow the palace into something like the fold, like the void itself. ]
[ processing more than really asking. evaluating if having an offer of the lie offered up would provide the same comfort. but it had been a comforting lie. ]
I want to believe in it. That things could be that easy. That we could still have something like that. That I'm not just a mess.
[ she doesn't know what to say. he doesn't seem upset or even surprised, even if his words feel reserved. but she feels wrong for it. it's an uneasy sense in her stomach.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I meant what I said about not wanting it to be a big deal.
Not now anyway.
And maybe not here.
[ no one here cares who or what she is. every time she's had eyes on her here, it's felt heavy with scrutiny and negative judgment. not the way people admired her at the winter fete.
but she's brainstorming, now. ]
But it would be nice to feel special.
That sounds so stupid to say.
no subject
Tell me more about how you want to feel special.
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Or maybe that's not the right question.
Was that really you with me, in Ravka?
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[ and presently unnamed third party, though to invoke their time in the Void was to invoke him. ]
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I keep thinking about it lately.
Maybe it's just because that was where I met Jem, and it's her birthday.
Or maybe it's because I've been pulled in so many different directions, and so much has gone wrong, and everything I try to do feels like it's just making things worse. And that was the one time it felt like I got it right. Like it could all work out and nothing had to be difficult.
It's hard not to feel like I missed my chance for that, in this life.
Anyway. I remember we were hosting this party at the grand palace. And I remember feeling like everyone who was there was glad to see me, and wanted to see me. And because everything was alright, and Ravka was at peace, they didn't want anything from me except to just be near me.
We danced, you and I.
Aleksander and I did, too.
The two of you had been conspiring about what people would think if we did, so I didn't even have to worry about it. Because the two of you had already decided that it was nothing to worry about.
And when I was tired of all the noise and the people, I remember going into the war room. Jem brought me cake. It was quiet and I knew the only people I'd have to talk to were the people who didn't need me to be the queen or the sun summoner or any of that. Just Alina. And I knew that, after, I'd go to bed with people that loved me for being just Alina too.
That was nice.
[ the memory itself is discordant, in reality. she remembers this, yes. but she also remembers a version where she was dancing with aleksander, where she kissed him, and the shadows clawed their way in. closing ranks to suffocate them, to slice through the party guests. to swallow the palace into something like the fold, like the void itself. ]
no subject
But this is what she wants, and so— ]
Would you like me to give that to you?
[ is amended to: ]
Would you like us to give that to you?
[ He won't make her say it aloud. ]
no subject
[ processing more than really asking. evaluating if having an offer of the lie offered up would provide the same comfort. but it had been a comforting lie. ]
I want to believe in it. That things could be that easy. That we could still have something like that. That I'm not just a mess.
Just for a little while.
no subject
I'll ask him.
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she wants to escape it, so— ]
Don't forget the part about cake.
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Will I see you tonight?
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no subject