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[rezni]

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Nikolai Lantsov, 24

DIABEL

CODE BY

Comments

[princess_of_ida]

That is indeed an example of something that would cause apopneumatic shock.

[rezni]

[ a pause, indistinct impressions humming in that space for a long moment before: ]

It's difficult to find words for it. When she was cutting into me, it was painful. But it sharpened my awareness of her, and what she was doing to me.

[ Intimate, he'd told Quentin. But he doesn't apply that word just yet. ]

And it was inescapable. There was nowhere to go but outside of myself.

[princess_of_ida]

[Ianthe listened intently, taking it in. None of that sounded of what she sought, but maybe they would get there.]

That inescapability - did it feel inevitable? Did the pain stop?

[rezni]

[ A pause. The sense of an exhale. ]

After a point, yes. It felt as if the pain was too big. It pushed me out, and I had to oblige it.

[princess_of_ida]

But you were still present, yes? Not unconscious but no longer in possession of yourself.

Were you watching her face, the knife, or your own heart as she took it from you?

[All these questions were likely overwhelming, but Ianthe needed to know.]

[rezni]

I was looking at her.

[princess_of_ida]

It's so ethereal... that look in her eyes, when she finally knows - really knows - that your life is in her hand and she takes it.

[But that was Ianthe being distracted from her quest for information. For revelation.]

Um, hmm, was it abrupt or did you fade when death took you?

why did i randomly add html to that comment mea culpa

[rezni]

[ A beat. Considering more what Ianthe is saying than the question she put to him. Doesn't ask his own, not yet. ]

It's hard to say exactly which. It took a long time, it felt like, but the end happened faster than I could anticipate. I had a hard time keeping track of exactly how long it took, and I haven't asked if anyone noted it.

[ "anyone" ]

[princess_of_ida]

[Ianthe wasn't going to ask Alina. Probably.]

When you think back on it, do you have any sense of existence deep in your soul from the moment of apopneumatic shock and Resurrection?

[rezni]

Do you mean was I aware of anything between that moment and the castle?

[princess_of_ida]

Yes. Anything at all. Don't think about it - feel it.

[rezni]

[ The pause stretches longer this time. Quiet but not absent, only the texture of Nikolai's contemplation filling the space. Resolving, eventually, into: ]

Thinking of it now, it feels like an absence. I'm aware of it as something missing from me, not exactly as something I felt as it happened.

[princess_of_ida]

Did it feel like it was taken from you or just something reached for that's not there?

[rezni]

Like reaching for something that isn't there. It's not unlike putting your hand into your pocket for a coin and realizing that there's a hole in the lining and you've lost the coin.

[princess_of_ida]

Hmm. Interesting.

[Nikolai could almost hear Ianthe taking notes. She still wasn't getting what she wanted, but she was closer than she had been before. It was possible she'd never felt that piece of the puzzle.]

Thank you.

[rezni]

Will you tell me what you're seeking, Ianthe?

[princess_of_ida]

The full experience of liminal space. The place between death and what's beyond, where the things are that eat us.

I know it outside of here, know the River, but not here where the River can't be reached and yet Resurrection so occurs. I want to be prepared.

[rezni]

Next time I die, I'll try to keep better track of it for you.

[princess_of_ida]

I would rather you not die again.

[Unless it was by her hand, but that wasn't something worth voicing.]

[rezni]

That's also my preference, but if it comes to pass, we may as well make use of it.

[princess_of_ida]

I sincerely doubt you'll remember to pay attention to the separation of your soul in the moment.

How long did it take you to convince her to do it?

[rezni]

Most of the festival. It was a long negotiation.

[princess_of_ida]

That's not surprising. What did you give up in exchange?

[rezni]

When she settles on a demand, I'll let you know.

[princess_of_ida]

Good luck with that. I hope it was worth whatever cost you're going to have to pay.

It was far easier getting her to kill me, but I can't take full credit for it. She was especially reactive to the Void back then.