ic inbox.

[rezni]

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Nikolai Lantsov, 24

DIABEL

CODE BY

Comments

[rezni]

We take it in turns.

[ Nikolai carried around a spectacular bruise over his jaw for some time as a token of just how he irritated the Sun Summoner.

But irritation is only one form of frustration. The answer is unchanged, even if Nikolai offers— ]

Frustrate in which way?

[princess_of_ida]

Like you can't ever say the right thing. Like she hears something different than you actually said. Like she doesn't know what the fuck she does to us.

All the fucking projection.

[rezni]

Like she doesn't believe what she does to us

[ is a minor readjustment. Not denial of the rest, but a measuring, quiet assessment of it. Laying this out against the pieces he has of Alina, how they have come together. ]

Do you love her?

[princess_of_ida]

I didn't say that.

[rezni]

I'm asking, Ianthe.

[princess_of_ida]

I don't want to answer.

[rezni]

Does it feel like handing me a knife to say it aloud?

[ Ianthe had come from a kind of court too. ]

[princess_of_ida]

Yes. No. Mostly I feel like I'm going to explode.
I don't like it.

[rezni]

Would you change it?

[princess_of_ida]

You ever find yourself seriously wondering if she's worth it? Worth the cost, like you're fucking Icarus flying too close to the fucking sun.

Cause I ask myself that a lot.

[rezni]

No.

[ Some self-deprecation in the tone that bleeds through; yes, he knows this is a fool's answer, and yet— ]

But I've always made a habit of gambling on ill-advised enthusiasm.

[ Enthusiasm. Love. Nearly the same, aren't they? ]

[princess_of_ida]

Those habits are going to get you killed one day.

Every fucking time I ask myself if she's worth it, I have the same fucking answer.

[rezni]

Yes.

[ Like the answer to the question, not a prompt. ]

[princess_of_ida]

I told her I liked her. Guess that puts me a foot ahead.

[rezni]

Did she believe you?

[princess_of_ida]

I've never had my feelings so invalidated in an instant before.

[rezni]

[ An expected answer. ]

I thought I was fairly good at convincing people of things, at one point in my life. Before I met Alina.
She is stubborn in her convinctions.

[princess_of_ida]

She's not stubborn. She's fucking blind.
I think a part of her, somewhere underneath all the abuse, believes it. Or at least wants to believe it. It got better after talking more about it, but on nights like this it fucking feels like I'm back fighting that bitch that took my arm. Or screaming into a storm.

Fuck I need a drink.

[rezni]

Stubborn about her blindness, perhaps.

Are you by yourself, Ianthe?

[princess_of_ida]

Nah, got Babs with me.

[rezni]

Babs?

[princess_of_ida]

[Oops.]

Nothing. Never mind about that. Unimportant.
Yeah, I'm alone. Drank all the wine earlier. Now I'm out.

[rezni]

[ convincing? mmmm ]

I'm afraid I can't help you with the wine. But if you'd like company, I can offer that.

[princess_of_ida]

[Nothing happened. NOTHING. That was just a fragment of Nikolai's imagination.]

Don't want to feel anything for a while. Too much. Need to drink them away or to fuck them away.

[rezni]

I'm not sure I'm right for that. Would I be a reminder?